Gilderoy's Graffiti
by Silverhill
Summary: Lockhart'll sign anything if it stands still long enough," Ron once said. Now Lockhart has escaped from St. Mungo's ... and signed everything! [COMPLETE]
1. A Signature Surprise

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all the Harry Potter characters, etc., etc.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
"Lockhart'll sign anything if it stands still long enough." --- Ron Weasley, 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets'  
  
~*~*~*  
  
"Bellatrix," the Dark Lord hissed. "I think it's time to create some chaos. Something to distract those muggle-lovers."  
  
"Yes, my Lord," Bellatrix replied. "What do you want me to do?"  
  
"There's a certain . . . patient . . . currently residing at St. Mungo's," Voldemort said. "You know who. I need you to set him loose."  
  
Bellatrix's eyes gleamed and she cackled evilly, and Voldemort joined in.  
  
~*~*~*  
  
Harry Potter was awake, but he kept his eyes shut for a few more minutes. Today he was finally leaving the Dursleys to spend the rest of the summer with the Weasleys. His things were already packed, and Ron would be arriving on the Knight Bus in just an hour.  
  
Harry opened his eyes to a bright and colorful room. He blinked and rubbed his eyes just to be sure he wasn't imagining things. Bright and colorful? That wasn't normal for the small, dingy room the Dursleys thrust him into.  
  
"Oh, no," Harry groaned as he looked around.  
  
All of his belongings, which had been so neatly packed the night before, were now strewn about the room. And everything in the room was covered with enormous loopy signatures in multicolored, sparkling ink. Everything was signed with a name Harry recognized:  
  
Gilderoy Lockhart  
  
Harry did not have time to deal with this. He threw his clothes, spellbooks and other belongings into his trunk. He would deal with those once he got to the Weasleys. But he should probably make an effort to clean Lockhart's graffiti from the walls before he left. Harry cursed to himself as he saw the signature on his prized possession: his Firebolt. It was a good thing Hermione had given him that broomstick-servicing kit for his thirteenth birthday.  
  
Harry finished cleaning the ink off the walls and went downstairs. Thankfully, Lockhart didn't seem to have signed anything else in the house. Harry went outside to wait for Ron.  
  
The Knight Bus pulled to a stop in front of the house with a loud bang. Ron got off the bus and called back for the driver to wait for them to grab Harry's things.  
  
Harry saw that Ron's shirt bore the signature of Gilderoy Lockhart down the left arm.  
  
"Hey, Harry," Ron said. "Can you believe this? I always said that git'd sign anything if it stood still long enough. But, you know, I kind of thought I was joking."  
  
Harry laughed. Having Ron to share it with made the whole thing seem a lot funnier than it had an hour ago.  
  
"Here," Ron said, thrusting a paper into Harry's hand. "It's The Daily Prophet. It's pretty funny, so I thought you might like to read it." 


	2. The Daily Prophet

Harry stuffed the paper in his pocket, and he and Ron went inside to get Harry's things. Harry started lugging his trunk down the stairs, and Ron grabbed the Firebolt and Hedwig's cage.  
  
"Not your Firebolt!" Ron groaned when he saw the autograph on the side.  
  
"Yeah. And all my other stuff, too," Harry said. "I'll have to clean everything when we get to your house."  
  
Harry and Ron loaded the things onto the Knight Bus, paid their fare and found seats. Harry pulled The Daily Prophet out of his pocket and unrolled it on his lap. There was a large photo of Diagon Alley on the front page. Gilderoy Lockhart's signature was flashing on every door, window and sign. Witches and wizards were bustling about trying to clean the ink off storefronts. Above the picture, a large headline said "Gilderoy Lockhart Escapes, Goes On Bizarre Spree."  
  
Harry started laughing out loud when he saw the article itself.  
  
"Gilderoy Lockhart, the former celebrated author, escaped last night from St. Mun- GILDEROY LOCKHART- from St. Mungo's. Since his escape, he has- TO A GREAT WIZARDING PAPER- Gilderoy, get out of here! Since his escape, he has traveled throughout wizarding Britain and signed- GILDEROY LOCKHART- everything. Ministry officials are making their way to the offices of The Daily Prophet, where Mr. Lockhart is currently pestering- GILDEROY LOCKHART- Oh, I give up!!!"  
  
Just below that, Harry read:  
  
"Editor's Note: Unfortunately, Gilderoy Lockhart disapparated before ministry officials arrived. We apologize to our readers for Mr. Lockhart's interference with the respected, trusted, venerable institution that is The Daily Prophet."  
  
"So, how are things at your house?" Harry asked, turning toward Ron.  
  
"Well, you know," Ron said. "Mum's kind of going crazy trying to get everything cleaned up. And, of course, Dad's been called in to work. Real nightmare."  
  
"There's something I don't understand," Harry said. "How was Lockhart able to sign everything in one night? Nobody can move that fast."  
  
"Dad and Bill were talking about that at breakfast," Ron said. "There's some charm you can do, called the Santa Claus effect, that can make you able to move really fast. It also automatically moves you to the next place you need to go, so you don't miss anywhere. The only thing is, it's a really complicated spell. There's no way Lockhart could've done it by himself. Somebody had to help him. But nobody knows who . . . or why."  
  
The Knight Bus lurched to a stop and Harry and Ron grabbed Harry's things and got off the bus. "Gilderoy Lockhart" was emblazoned several times on the outside of The Burrow. Bill and Charlie were on ladders and scrubbing at the ink, so that one signature now read "oy Lockhart." They climbed down the ladders when they saw Ron and Harry.  
  
"'Bout time for a break," Charlie said. "I wish we could use magic, but we don't want to attract attention from the neighbors."  
  
"Well, mum'll probably send us out to help you as soon as we take Harry's things in," Ron said.  
  
Harry grabbed his trunk and went inside. Mrs. Weasley spotted him, ran over to give him a quick hug and then went back to work cleaning the family's owl.  
  
"Lockhart signed Errol?" Harry asked, not quite believing what he was seeing.  
  
"Yeah, well, he doesn't move much, does he?" Ron said. 


	3. Cleaning Up

"Hi Harry!" Harry heard voices chorus.  
  
He turned and saw Fred, George, Ginny and Hermione coming down the stairs.  
  
"Everything upstairs is cleaned, Mum," Ginny said.  
  
"Thank you," Mrs. Weasley responded. "What a mess this has been to clean up! I just feel bad for your father. This is a nightmare for the Ministry. Their work is just beginning. But we should be just about done, once Bill and Charlie finish up outside."  
  
"I need to work on my stuff. I have some things I didn't have time to clean before I left," Harry said.  
  
He grabbed a container of Mrs. Skower's All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover and set to work on his Firebolt. Fred and George gasped audibly and started making threats toward Lockhart that made Ron and Ginny laugh and made Mrs. Weasley say "Fred! George!" quite sharply.  
  
Harry was just finishing removing the enormous loopy flourish of the Y when Bill and Charlie came inside to say that the outside of the house was finished.  
  
"Why don't you kids go on and play Quidditch if you want," Mrs. Weasley said. "Harry, if you leave your things out, I'll finish cleaning them for you."  
  
Fred and George dashed upstairs for their brooms. Hermione ran upstairs, too, but Harry didn't know why until she came back carrying a large book.  
  
A few minutes later, they were all in the field near the Weasleys' house. Bill, Charlie, Fred, George, Ron, Ginny and Harry were all flying around on brooms. Hermione sat in the grass, dividing her attention between watching the Quidditch and reading her book. When they started to get hungry, they decided to head back to the house for lunch.  
  
"Hermione, what were you reading?" Ron asked as they walked.  
  
"I was reading about the Santa Claus effect," Hermione said. "It's really quite a problem for the Ministry that Lockhart used that spell. There's no way to catch up with him. Even if they did the same spell on someone else, they couldn't catch up with him. They could move as fast, but the spell is designed to make a wizard able to cover as much territory as possible as quickly as possible, so they couldn't choose where to go. The only way to catch him is to be waiting when he shows up someplace. To do that, the Ministry either has to be very lucky or somehow figure out where he'll go before he goes there."  
  
"So, basically you're saying there's no way to stop him," Ron said.  
  
*~*~*~*~  
  
The next day, Harry woke up in Ron's bright orange, Chudley Cannons-themed room. Only the room wasn't just orange. Purple ink clashed horribly with the orange. Once again, everything in sight was covered with Gilderoy Lockhart's flamboyant signature. Harry heard a groan and saw that Ron had just woken up, too.  
  
"C'mon, Harry," Ron said with a sigh. "Let's get some breakfast and then we can get to work." 


	4. Ink Banishing Paper

When they got downstairs, they found Mrs. Weasley dividing her efforts between cooking and cleaning up Lockhart's graffiti. Mr. Weasley was sitting at the kitchen table and looking extremely tired. An owl swooped in, dropped off The Daily Prophet and flew back out the window.  
  
"What's the Prophet say today?" Ron asked.  
  
Mr. Weasley started to read haltingly because the article was covered with Lockhart's purple autograph. "Gilderoy Lockhart is continuing his autographing . . . tour. Witches and wizards across Britain . . . again woke up to find Mr. Lockhart's signature . . . scrawled on every surface, in many . . . cases, where the autographs had . . . been just the day . . . before. No explanation is known . . . for Mr. Lockhart's self-aggrandizing behavior. Ministry officials . . . assure us that they are close to catching Mr. Lockhart."  
  
Mr. Weasley put the paper down with a sigh. "It's a lie," he said. "The Ministry has no clue how to catch Lockhart."  
  
The other Weasleys and Hermione came downstairs, and Mrs. Weasley set plates of food in front of all of them.  
  
"After you eat, we're going to Diagon Alley," she said. "I'm all out of Mrs. Skower's, so there's no use trying to clean up. And we can get your school things."  
  
"And Fred and George can go to their shop," she added with a grumble.  
  
~*~*~*  
  
A few minutes later, they were standing in front of The Home and Cauldron, the magical homemaking shop. The throng of witches and wizards was so thick that they couldn't even get near the door. An older witch stepped out of the store and sent sparks into the air to get everyone's attention.  
  
"I am sorry to announce that we are completely sold out of Mrs. Skower's All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover," she shouted to the crowd. "We are also sold out of paint-repelling paint. And we currently have only five scrubbing brushes left in stock."  
  
Harry, Ron, Ginny and Hermione turned and began heading for the other shops they needed to go to.  
  
"I need some new quills and more ink," Ginny said.  
  
Hermione got a fierce look of concentration on her face. But she didn't say anything.  
  
A few minutes later, they bumped into Fred and George.  
  
"Why aren't you at your store?" Ron asked.  
  
"Slow business," George replied. "Seems no one's in the mood to buy joke supplies. Lockhart's graffiti is enough joke for them."  
  
"Plus, we just though we'd leave Lockhart's autographs up until he is caught," Fred said. "No use cleaning up just to have him sign everything again. He signed everything in our store --- except for the ink-banishing paper, of course."  
  
"That's it!" Hermione exclaimed. "I know how to catch Lockhart."  
  
~*~*~*  
  
That evening they said goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, who were going back to The Burrow. Ron, Ginny, Hermione and Harry had said they were going to stay in Diagon Alley to help Fred and George clean up their shop.  
  
A few minutes later, they were clustered waiting in the dark and closed Sorcery Stationery Shop.  
  
"What's this about anyway?" Ron asked.  
  
"Lockhart has to come here," Hermione said. "He's running out of ink. The first night the ink was multicolored. The second night the ink was purple. And it probably varied all over the country. He needs more ink and probably more quills, too."  
  
After what seemed like hours, they heard a noise at the door. It sprang open and in walked Gilderoy Lockhart.  
  
"Go!" Hermione whispered to Ginny.  
  
Ginny stepped out of the shadows and held a piece of paper out to Lockhart.  
  
"Mr. Lockhart, will you please give me your autograph?" she asked.  
  
Lockhart beamed. "Why, certainly!" he said, taking the paper from her.  
  
He pulled out a quill and grabbed a bottle of ink from a shelf. He bent over the paper and signed his name with a flourish.  
  
Only nothing showed up on the paper.  
  
He tried again. Nothing.  
  
"Why won't this paper let me write?!" Lockhart yelled.  
  
"Ink-banishing paper," Fred whispered.  
  
Lockhart continued to try to sign the paper. He pushed so hard his quill went through. Then he tried again, getting more frustrated every time. With Lockhart distracted, Harry stepped out of the shadows and pointed his wand at his former teacher.  
  
"Petrificus totalus!" he shouted.  
  
Lockhart's legs sprang together, his arms snapped to his sides and he fell over onto the floor.  
  
A few minutes later, they heard the distinctive "pop" sounds of people apparating. They slipped out of the shop unnoticed.  
  
"This is neat work," a Ministry official said, looking at Lockhart lying on the ground with his quill still in his hand. "I wonder who did it?"  
  
~- End -~ 


End file.
